so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
