my mouth tastes like poor choices
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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