The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
