If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
