I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
