What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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