If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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