sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
