he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
