I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
