hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We had to coat check the pizza.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
