I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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