Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
