Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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