I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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