I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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