Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
