if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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