i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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