there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
