call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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