I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
