I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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