drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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