All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
