there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
