My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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