And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
