I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
