Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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