the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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