You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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