Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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