Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
