We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
