I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
