My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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