I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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