I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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