I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
