If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
