She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
