i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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