Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
