david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
