I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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