this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
