dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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