I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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