is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
