I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
