im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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